Divorce

I look into the eyes of my ex-husband and I see a man that I used to love but no longer do.  What do I feel for him now?  Confusion.  I know that he and I had 13 years together, 11 of those married, and yet when I look at him I feel just a void.  He isn’t who I was meant to be with.  And we fought all of the time.  It was literally a fight for us every day to stay together.  We argued about everything.  I swear that we both insisted that the sky was a different color, and then we would argue that the other person had said something different.  It was draining and troubling and I was certainly sicker and sicker all of the time.  My life was constant conflict.

And now?  Now I am with my soul mate.  God created my mate for me and me for him.  We are perfect together.  Deeply in love.  The best part is that the drama is over.  The bipolar isn’t, not by a long shot.  But there is no fighting.  I didn’t even know that was possible.  When we don’t agree we talk, and sometimes we agree to disagree and other times we see the other person’s point of view.  But we don’t yell.  We don’t put the other person down.  We don’t berate.  We simply love.  And although I have bipolar disorder he sees me as a whole person.  He sees me as well.  And the bipolar is something we treat together.

I wish everyone could have what he and I have.

Bipolar, Alcohol and the Hell it Creates

By far the most sought after post in my blog is the one I wrote about alcohol.  I am surprised by the raw nerve that this has hit with people.  People are searching for answers when it comes to this.  Well, I have bipolar disorder so I cannot speak to the loved ones that are walking this path with their bipolar counterpart.  But I can address all of us that are bipolar…

Don’t drink!!!

I come from a long line of alcoholics.  The bipolar part of my family drinks.  The co-dependent part of my family drinks.  Some of my family drank themselves to death.  Others drink so much that they are trying to cover up that they want to die or are trying to die through drinking. 

I have chosen not to drink.  I have chosen to use legal chemicals to alter how I interact.  I take Lamictal and Zyprexa right now, but at times I have taken several other prescription meds, just like my doctor said to.  Don’t kid yourself.  If you are taking prescription meds but not how they are prescribed to you then you are abusing drugs.

What part of “alcohol is a depressant” has you the most confused?  Alcohol will make you more depressed.  More angry.  More upset.  More suicidal.  More bipolar!!!  And who wants any of that?

My family is medicating with alcohol.  Alcohol is a piss poor medication for treating bipolar.  It just makes everything worse.

Better, better, better

Well, the medicine is working.  We doubled my dose and I am feeling so much better.  I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up.  I have slowed down which is a great sign.  The “bad thoughts” are completely gone.  The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep.  Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself.  What a relief.

Voices again

Well, the voices are back.  My dose of Zyprexa is too low I guess, maybe because of the baby?  The antihistamine that I take at night isn’t even making me sleepy, really, so I am guessing that the baby is throwing things off for me chemically.  Here is what the voices are saying…

“You need to kill yourself.  You are good at making plans.  You should make a plan and follow through.  The baby would be better off not living anyway because you are a bad mom.  Look at how you screamed at your kids this morning.  No, cutting isn’t enough.  You don’t deserve to live.  Don’t fail at this too like you fail at everything.  You are a quitter.  You aren’t worth anything.  You can’t even do this, can you.”

So now I wait until I find out what dose to get on.  I can’t live like this so we will have to be proactive and find a way out of this place.  Nothing is more important than keeping this baby and my family safe, and me being dead hurts all of them.