I have bipolar.  It isn’t who I am.  It is an illness I have.  Here is what a day off meds and in crisis looked like for me.

I wake up in the morning and I know something is wrong.  It is all wrong.  There is too much unsolved, too many loose ends, too many songs in my head, too many distractions,  there have been too many bad dreams and bad thoughts and bad feelings.  And now I am feeling bad.  No, sad.  No, angry.  No, confused.  No, well… shit.  I am feeling too many damned things to understand and I am mad. 

I look around and there is my husband, my partner, the love of my life. And I realize it is his fault. He tried to snuggle me while I was sleeping and that was why I was so tired. He hasn’t given me an answer on a dozen different things, so they are just hanging out there. And they are all so important. Can we, or can we not, plant a garden this year??? If I don’t get the answer today I don’t know how I will go on. Maybe I shouldn’t go on. Maybe this is all not worth it. I mean, I am fat after all. Those donuts I ate last night are weighing heavy on my hips and I can’t undo that. I don’t even want to. I wanted to be bad last night. Last night it made so much sense. I was in love with the world, in love with myself, in love with my husband, in love with everything that was going on. I was sure that everything would be all right.This morning I see how faulty my thinking was. I am so stupid. So dumb. I can’t even think straight. There is just so much noise in my head. Why won’t it all just SHUT UP!!! I am so angry. I can’t keep all of this inside.

“Why do you do everything wrong, husband? Why can’t you just… why are you so… why can’t I count on you? Why don’t you love me? Why do you treat me like this???”

Now I feel awful. What kind of a wife am I? Why can’t I just be nice to him? He is so understanding and kind and caring. It is me that is bad. It is me that should be shut out of this relationship. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any of this. I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t do this. What am I going to do?

I know! I should clean. I should tear the house apart and clean it all and then put it back together again. That will do it. That will make it all better. I can do anything that I set my mind to. I can accomplish this. I can take all of this on. Why didn’t I see it before? I am so clever. People should be bowing at my feet. People should see this about me. No one really understands me. I feel so insulted when they don’t see me for who I really am. Why don’t they see that in me?

I bet they all hate me. I bet they are talking about me when I am not around. Why would they do that? Don’t they like me? Well, I don’t like me so how could they like me? After all, I am nothing. Nothing and no one. Fine, I will just do without them all.

If I could just get this noise in my head to stop. If I could just make it all go away. How many times can I have that one same thought, over and over. It is driving me crazy. I feel like screaming. I feel like throwing things. I need to turn these feelings inside, so they don’t get out. If I let them out then I won’t be able to control them. If I can’t control them I don’t know what will happen.

I feel so sad. So tired. That is it. I am so very, very tired. I can’t do anything today. I can’t move. I can hardly breathe. I can’t eat or take my meds, or even walk downstairs. I should just go back to sleep. I will just go back to sleep. I can’t do this. I just can’t.