You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January, 2008.
Maybe I don’t rejoice enough in writing when I am doing well. I think it is just because I am so busy feeling good that I don’t want to write. The thing is that I think we could all use the encouragement of seeing a person with bipolar doing well.
Someone recently reminded me that I should pray. And although that pissed me off at the time I am really taking it to heart. The thing is that I always pray for the others in my life. And for that matter, the others in their lives. What I do not do is pray for myself.
God didn’t give me bipolar. God didn’t turn His back on me. What God did is He allowed genetics to be what they are and He is now here carrying me through this amazingly heavy cross that I bear. And when I allow Him to lead me that burden is very, very light.
Why haven’t I mentioned before on here that I am a Christian? Because it is ugly to hear Christians whining and complaining when we have been given so many blessings. And all the answers we need are right there, in the Bible, in the Church, and in our hearts. But, man, bipolar SUCKS! And sometimes it just sucks the life out of me.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the serenity prayer. Wow, I think it must have been written by someone with bipolar. (No, not really.) Because that is what I should be asking God for all day long.
Want to know my favorite verse? “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
That is actually my life verse; the verse that gets me through life.
So God has been graciously carrying me as of late and I am getting a rest that I really have been needing. Because bipolar is a battle. I have to constantly fight it. And I need rest at times so I can go back to fighting it.
“Thank you Jesus for carrying me right now. I am really thankful. Help me to not just complain when I need to vent, but to also count my blessings, which are in the tens of thousands. Amen.”
I am staring out the window, praying for snow and seeing rain. I think that is what my life feels like right now. I am so directionless, and everywhere I turn things aren’t quite what I had hoped for. I wanted things to be more then the are right now. I wanted to be something more.
Holy shit. It is snowing.
So because I have bipolar I am supposed to make a plan. I need to have a support team. Get my meds under control. Correct my diet. Have a plan on exercising. A check list for symptoms. Etc.
You know what? Sometime I just want to forget that I have bipolar. I just want to go on with life. Problem is that most of the time I am sick with my bipolar, with huge mood swings, high anxiety, etc. I need to make that plan. I need to do the work.
But I don’t want to!!! Wahhhh! <Stomping of feet – hands on my hips – pouty face.>
So I was talking to someone at my kids’ school today and she asked if she should be telling me problems about my kids or whether she should direct them to my children’s father. I said to their father would be great. That he deals with all of that and then he runs it by me. She said, and I quote, “Well, don’t stress out about it.”
A benign saying. It just mean, hey, it will all be okay. It will all come out in the wash. But I hear, “You are getting really emotional and look a bit crazy around the eyes. Take it down a notch.” That is SO not what she said, but I heard it all the same.
So then it almost came out of my mouth. I could feel it coming. “I know I haven’t told you this yet, but I have bipolar disorder, so talking about all of this drama is bad for my health.” It almost came out. Almost.
And then I thought, What The Hell??? That can’t ever be taken back. I can’t ever undo that. I can’t ever unsay it. And it will get written down. And reflected on. And compared with my children’s behavior. And in the end it can only do bad things.
What I was trying to spit out was that drama sets me back. The more that I have that causes strong emotions, the more that my middle ground gets messed up. You know the drill – strong emotion begets strong emotion. And there is no coming down from that in an hour. It is more like days.
Isn’t it so strange to watch your friend go through a problem that makes them cry and then they are fine? Or a friend has something exciting happen to them and then they are fine? I want to be like that.
The stress lately has been building. My oldest isn’t doing well. I don’t see it as bipolar in him, but something is wrong. School is impossible for him. He is behind in his work. He gets upset and tears his work up and wants to cry. He is just a wreck. Is it ADD? Is it early onset of bipolar? Is it depression? Is it pre-adolescence? Or are we just over-labeling kids and he is just turning out to be a “bad boy”? At home he is an angel. So why the drama at school?
The school wants us to fix it. How the hell are we supposed to do that? And when he comes home and has a ton of homework they want me to make sure he gets it done. How am I supposed to enforce that? And what about our family time? My agenda? Are they leaving any time for that?
The truth is that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. And my son has every opportunity laid out before him. A place to work, supportive parents that will drop whatever they are doing to help, all the resources he could need. And he still doesn’t do it.
So my bipolar has to make the list. I have to have self care so I don’t go back into a dark place and have to go into the hospital again. So we are trying to take as much of the anxiety causing circumstances off of my radar.
So – I think if it isn’t a friend then no, I don’t tell. I can’t see what good it would do. And if my son gets “diagnosed” I won’t tell him either, until he is older. Because labels break the spirit down. I can explain to him that his behavior isn’t his fault, that there are reasons he is struggling that have nothing to do with who he is as a person, but I will not give him a label.
Yes, to tell or not to tell… as honest a person I am, to a fault, I would not tell.
