When I am depressed it is hard for me to get the housework done. I look around and see what needs to be done but I just don’t do it. The weird thing is that my house used to be spotless. That was before the Lamictal. Then I calmed down and now I can’t seem to get anything done. That nervous energy that used to drive me on has relaxed. What a drag.
Now I look around and sometimes I don’t care and other times I am just shocked at how bad it has gotten.
Before you label me a pig and my home a sty let me let you in on a secret. My house is actually not bad at all. But my mother… well, my mother still lives in my head and is always looking over my shoulder, and she is not pleased with the house. And that is an understatement by far.
I was just talking to my undiagnosed bipolar mother the other day. She works outside of the home three days a week and then she spends the other two work days trying to kill herself by working herself to death at the house. Then over the weekend she is so worn out and depressed that she drinks herself silly and then it starts all over again on Monday.
Here is what she does everyday, no matter what. She cleans the two bathrooms from top to bottom, she empties all of the trashcans, she makes the kitchen immaculate, she makes their bed until there are no wrinkles, everything is in it’s place, the laundry is done and put away. Then on her days off she does the rest of the laundry, changes the bedsheets, mops all of the floors, cleans the bathrooms extra special even though she already cleaned them every day, vacuums extra special, does all the errands, grocery shops, etc.
I remember growing up and she would bring in the groceries and then wash the canned goods off before lining them up special in the cupboard. There is never a spot in her oven or on her stove. There is absolutely no dust to be found even on the highest pieces of furniture. There are no hairs in the bathroom and the only ring you will find in the bathroom is blue from all of the Ajax she has used every day.
How can I compete with that? Well, the absolute truth is that I can’t ever compete with that. I don’t want to, in theory. But the imaginary her wants me to. Oh sure, when I talk to her she says she doesn’t want me too, but lets get real. She does. Because she does it. And so that makes it right.
Where am I going with this? I guess I am thinking that all five of us (yes, even the three year old) need to spend Saturday cleaning. I want to play just like they do, but I can’t keep the house clean and I need to make my mom shut the hell up.
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March 15, 2008 at 9:49 am
missisyphus
i can relate to the apathy that came after starting lamictal. i was almost manic/OCD about keeping my home, farm and life in order! everything, EVERYTHING, has gone to pot…it’s embarrassing and pitiful, really. i get even more depressed looking at what i just can’t bring myself to do and remember the dynamic, organized “can do” girl i used to be. no this is not a mid-life crisis here. i know it is the medication because this…this way of life that i’ve been living is not me.
so. please don’t feel yourself a pig or a slob…often i want to say to my self, that discipline can solve this but…day after day i go through the same “non-routine”! i’ve been off the lamictal a few weeks now (but there are other meds i’m coming off of too). i’m not feeling myself and actually, i’m much worse, at this point in time. but, i do believe that if i stick with my program and follow the suggestions of what constitutes a healthy lifestyle…i will get to a better place. i have to believe that, because this is not how my life can be for the next 20-40 years (if i even get that much time).
but what other people think about us is never as important as what we think about ourselves. and we do have control over what we choose to think…i believe. i mean i may be powerless over the thoughts that stream through my brain, but i do have options and choices to make about each one of them, if i stay in a good state of mind. when i get very depressed i don’t seem to be as able to mange my thoughts as well. so, i guess taking a simple walk is in order…they always say that is the best medicine. oh, and remember to find some way to laugh a bit each day. even on the worst day i can manage to find a bit of laughter be it a friend or one of my animals!
you know, if we can’t find a way to laugh at all of this stuff then what are our options. laughter is an awesome drug!
best
missi.
March 23, 2008 at 3:42 am
zuzuernie
Oh, your blog made me think back about what my house looked like BEFORE Lamictal. I was never home, so my house looked horrible. And, my mom actually came over once (she lives less than two miles away) and berated me for my cluttered home and how I was ignoring my family by always volunteering for things outside the home and not staying home to clean it.
I don’t know why we put such stock in how others (especially mothers) feel about how we run our lives, but we do. And, you are right. We need to get over it.
Obviously, your mother has issues that she is not dealing with. Just keep telling yourself that. As you said, you don’t want to be like her, so cut yourself a break and remind yourself that you DON’T want to be like her.
Oh, and there is NOTHING wrong with having the family take a few minutes and help clean up. Then reward everyone by playing the rest of the day! After all, you didn’t mess up the house all by yourself!