I don’t believe there is anything sadder then a child that has passed away. I was at church on Sunday and…
Well, let me back up a bit. Last summer I got pregnant “by accident”. I was horrified. I was on a med that you are supposed to quit if you get pregnant. So I had to decide what to do and of course I was hypomanic through the whole thing, completely freaked out.
And then I had a miscarriage. Only it wasn’t like I thought it would be. I thought I would just get my period and have heavier then normal cramps and that would be the end of it. But no, that was not at all what it was like. I passed a bunch of tissue and what would have been my baby. There was a ton of bleeding and it was really scary. I have had three children and this pain that I had was like a mini labor.
Every time I get my period now I think about that baby and what I lost. And I wonder often if it was because of my meds. Because of my bipolar.
So when a child dies I remember. I remember what happened to my child that I didn’t get to meet. And I worry about my other three.
So at church on Sunday I was sitting where I buried my miscarried baby and I was thinking about the fragility of life. There has been some digging and planting on the church property and I started wondering if our baby would be exhumed and I just kind of panicked.
I am afraid to feel. I have slowly been shutting down. Because when I feel then I overreact and then I lose control. My family needs me not to do that.
Who am I if I am shut down? If I am not flitting from one drama to the next? If I am calm? I don’t know that woman. She seems muted to me. Quiet.
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April 15, 2008 at 8:44 am
Annie
How very sad but deeply moving. You have described what it is like to have a profound death. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had deaths in this last 3 yrs. but none that seem so painful as your description. You have a gift with words and I hope it helps you to write. Visit my blog if you would like. I hope it would be helpful for you. http:// http://www.therapistwithbipolar.com/blog
April 15, 2008 at 7:57 pm
BPD in OKC
I’m so very sorry you had to go through that. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose a child.
April 19, 2008 at 3:40 pm
AliceInWonderland
it’s so hard to hear that someone else has endured this pain – my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. i too am bipolar and just shy of a year ago experienced a similar thing, i was 8 weeks pregnant when i discovered that the pregnancy was ectopic, but before i got to theater my body miscarried naturally. all i could think was that it was my fault – for getting pregnant in the first place, for being on lithium, for having pelvis x-rays even though i knew there was a chance i might be pregnant (but in denial at that time). it was almost 2 months before i allowed myself to grieve and allowed people (my family from church, one christian sister in particuar) into my pain and allowed them to hep me. almost a year later now i’m functioning again but the pain is still very raw whenever i see a child of the right age or hear of another woman’s miscarriage.
as you say you go to church i am assuming you are a christian. all i can say is keep on praying and trusting in God, even if he seems distant he still loves you and still protects you. i found psalm 51 a great comfort (and also a challenge) to remind me that God formed us intricately in the womb, but also knew the number of our days even before comception – however short that number might be your child was still a life and still part of God’s wonderous creation. accept and support from your family, your psych, and your brothers and sisters at church.
much love and prayers
x x x