You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2008.
I was just reading a post about blogging while mentally ill.
Sometimes it is hard to get out of bed to get dressed. Other days it is hard to get the thoughts to slow down enough to write. Oh, and the noise in the head makes it so hard to think. And best of all, the good days. Those days are just not the time to sit and write about bipolar disorder. Those are the days to go live.
Things with me right now are quite stable. I have a huge trigger filled thing coming up that I have to go through and so far I am doing okay. (See the “and”? That is a DBT thing. Hurray for DBT.)
Today I am going to get my tattoo finished. I am really looking forward to that. I will then be officially married. I love my boyfriend a ton. He is my best friend and my lover. But I hate telling people that we are married. My first marriage didn’t work out so I like to think of us as just dating. Which we aren’t. We have an intricate life together now. A child, sharing my older kids, owning a home, being passionately in love, soul mates, and never wanting to be apart. Up until now I have never worn a wedding ring for us. Now the tattoo states the forever. I love the forever. I just don’t love the “married” part.
Guess that is all from me for now.
You asked if I ever felt that this was all a dream. Yes, I do. Especially when I am drugged on my meds or when I am super depressed. I wonder if when I die will I just realize that this was just some super long crazy dream.
I used to watch Star Trek the next generation. There was a very poignant episode where the captain does just that. He lives an entire life in the span of just a few hours. He is deeply heartbroken to realize that his wife, children, accomplishments, etc. were just a dream.
I do not, however, believe that this life should be led as though in a dream. I believe that this life should be lived to its fullness, even if I have to force the issue. I drag my ass out of bed, put on my clothing, fix myself food and trudge on looking for the bright spots. I have an advantage. My children will not allow me to wallow in my depression. I am accountable to a routine that is vital to their well being. If I don’t feed them or take care of them they will be taken from me. Depression is an insidious disease that strips us of all joy and purpose. Please do not allow it to swallow you alive. Now the normal Jo couldn’t say that to you because they wouldn’t know what they are saying. I however can. I have been in and out of suicidal depression since I was nine years old. You need (and I almost never tell people what they need) to get your ass out of bed and pick a direction you want to go in and hold yourself accountable to it. Or you are wasting the beautiful life that you have before you. There is beauty here. Passion. And I wish for you that you would take hold of it and live.
You need to choose to live.
Yes I wonder if this is a dream. But in my dreams I can fly.
You need to try and fly.
So I have been gone for quite a while. It got sunny and I got manic. Go figure. I don’t really have much to say right now except that I am reading back through my posts and they are so brutally honest. I see myself in them as just who I am in that moment. A lot of them are distorted visions of myself and the world I live in.
I just shared this URL address with someone I know. She will be the first person to read it and see me without my armor on. Without my self protecting clothing on. Naked, so to speak. How do I feel about that?
Vulnerable.
