Bipolar – Pregnant – On Meds – Depressed

Well, I am ten weeks along now, and I am only on Lamictal.  I was on Zyprexa until I found out that I was pregnant and I have never been more stable in my entire life.  Of course my weight was ballooning, I had constant dry mouth, I couldn’t stop eating and I drank tons of water to still be thirsty.  I know that being off of the Zyprexa is best for both the baby and myself.

But the depression is coming on.  Not suicidal thoughts.  Just a deep sense of sadness, despair and exhaustion.  I am worn out and feeling oh so down.  Now, a lot of that is because I am pregnant.  Hormones are making me feel exhausted all of the time.  I haven’t stopped feeling nauseous in weeks.  And my emotions are all over the place.  All normal things for a pregnant woman.  But since I have bipolar disorder I have to check in with myself every day and wonder if things are getting unbalanced.  I think I feel depression coming on.

There isn’t a lot that I can do about it, if it does.  Already I am gambling with the baby’s life by taking Lamictal.  It is an educated risk, one that I have come to terms with taking, but I am unwilling to take anything more than that at this point.  So I am trying to white knuckle it.  I will not do that, however, if I start having suicidal ideations.  Then I will run, not walk, to my prescriber’s office and sit down for a long talk about what we should do.

In the meantime I have just been feeling a need to write it down here.  I am not doing too well.  But no woman is at this point in the pregnancy and I have to remember to cut myself some slack and not just think that I am “bipolar” and therefore not allowed to feel anything or else it means I am out of control.

I haven’t posted in a very long time.  I am pregnant right now, nine weeks along, and I am only on Lamictal now.  I have been emotional, but my friends, family and I are attributing that to the hormones of being pregnant.  My bipolar disorder has been incredibly stable for months on end now and the drive to write about it has been lifted.  I am moved today, watching the Inauguration of our new President, to say that I am well and confident that I can continue to take care of my health, one day at a time.  I am much more humble after going through all of this.  But more than that I have been able to see myself as one of many, rather than the center of my own universe.  My husband was out of work for four months, and that alone was a huge challenge that we faced, not knowing how we would pay for food each day.  Yet, we have come through the other side and are now getting back on our feet.  What a blessing all of these situations have been in helping me to grow and flex my emotional muscles.  Bipolar disorder is no longer defining me.  It is no longer the first thing that I think about waking up in the morning.  And it is no longer what forms my days.  My children do.  My husband does.  My life as a whole does.

I pray this for all of you.