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Well, the medicine is working. We doubled my dose and I am feeling so much better. I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up. I have slowed down which is a great sign. The “bad thoughts” are completely gone. The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself. What a relief.
Well, the voices are back. My dose of Zyprexa is too low I guess, maybe because of the baby? The antihistamine that I take at night isn’t even making me sleepy, really, so I am guessing that the baby is throwing things off for me chemically. Here is what the voices are saying…
“You need to kill yourself. You are good at making plans. You should make a plan and follow through. The baby would be better off not living anyway because you are a bad mom. Look at how you screamed at your kids this morning. No, cutting isn’t enough. You don’t deserve to live. Don’t fail at this too like you fail at everything. You are a quitter. You aren’t worth anything. You can’t even do this, can you.”
So now I wait until I find out what dose to get on. I can’t live like this so we will have to be proactive and find a way out of this place. Nothing is more important than keeping this baby and my family safe, and me being dead hurts all of them.
So, I am 19 1/2 weeks along. The baby is a boy. His ultrasound looks great with no problems. We are so happy.
Yet I have become more and more depressed and although I have no plan to kill myself when it gets sunny outside I am worried I might get motivated to come up with a plan. It was getting to where each day I was wondering if I should call 911 and ask for help. My husband took a bunch of time off of work to take care of me and that wasn’t good for us either. We don’t want him to lose his job. So we had talked to my prescriber and she said Wellbutrin was a category B medication and there was only a small chance it would cause mania, so I should try that. We did research and it is a category C medication and when we called and shared that with her she said to tear up the prescription, that her book was outdated and that we were right, it was not a good idea to take it.
I have taken a pharmecy full of meds over these years and very few work for me. Zyprexa does. But it runs the risk of hurting the baby. My husband and I prayed like crazy and decided to put me back on it. Last night I took the first pill, sobbing and almost hysterical, because I don’t want to kill my baby or hurt him in any way.
What a horrible place to be caught up in. Suicidal and yet wanting to keep my baby safe – so I had to choose between the possibility of months in the hospital, or killing myself or taking a med that can hurt the baby. Talk about a rock in a hard place.
So the decision is made and now we go forward. We pray, we trust that this is the best decision, and we wait.
It is the waiting that is the hardest. I can feel him moving around this morning and kicking. I am hoping that is a good sign. At least he is still with me for now.
Well, I am once again faced with a dilema. I am having progressively worsening suicidal ideations and I have been wondering if it isn’t maybe time for me to go back into the hospital. So we started looking into meds to combine with my Lamictal and we are not happy with the research that is out there.
