1. The illness I live with is: Bipolar Disorder
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:

2005
3. But I had symptoms since:

1980
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: 

Coming to grips with this illness  
5. Most people assume:

That either I am fine or that I am crazy
6. The hardest part about mornings are:

Getting up out of bed with a positive outlook

7. My favorite medical TV show is:

ER
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:

My laptop!

9. The hardest part about nights are:

Having to go to bed on time no matter what

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins.

Nine

11. Regarding alternative treatments I:

Have been unsuccessful with those treatments

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:

          Invisible because I can hide it and not share this vulnerable part of myself

 13. Regarding working and career:

I can’t hold down a job because of my illness

14. People would be surprised to know:

That I struggle with this illness every day

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:

No longer living in denial about my illness

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:

Have a good marriage where I show my husband love and respect

17. The commercials about my illness:

Are disturbing and I think they must scare people

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:

          Being manic in the summer and getting so much cleaning done

19. It was really hard to have to give up:

          My depression because it allowed me to write poignant stories of grief

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:

          Taekwon-Do, sporadically

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:

          Go somewhere by myself and treat myself to special time

22. My illness has taught me:

That everyone has a burden that we can’t see

23. Want to know a secret?

          I hate myself when I am sick, even though it isn’t my fault

24. But I love it when people:

          Both accept me for who I am and understand my limitations

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:

          “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”, say’s the Lord

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:

          If you do everything you can to manage this illness you can live through it

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:

          How deadly it can be, not just suicide, but also heart attacks

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:

          Say that we would get through it together  (Thank you Fr. Matthew)

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:

          No one should have to suffer alone

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:

That you really care about me, because this is one super long list

Find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com

I look into the eyes of my ex-husband and I see a man that I used to love but no longer do.  What do I feel for him now?  Confusion.  I know that he and I had 13 years together, 11 of those married, and yet when I look at him I feel just a void.  He isn’t who I was meant to be with.  And we fought all of the time.  It was literally a fight for us every day to stay together.  We argued about everything.  I swear that we both insisted that the sky was a different color, and then we would argue that the other person had said something different.  It was draining and troubling and I was certainly sicker and sicker all of the time.  My life was constant conflict.

And now?  Now I am with my soul mate.  God created my mate for me and me for him.  We are perfect together.  Deeply in love.  The best part is that the drama is over.  The bipolar isn’t, not by a long shot.  But there is no fighting.  I didn’t even know that was possible.  When we don’t agree we talk, and sometimes we agree to disagree and other times we see the other person’s point of view.  But we don’t yell.  We don’t put the other person down.  We don’t berate.  We simply love.  And although I have bipolar disorder he sees me as a whole person.  He sees me as well.  And the bipolar is something we treat together.

I wish everyone could have what he and I have.

By far the most sought after post in my blog is the one I wrote about alcohol.  I am surprised by the raw nerve that this has hit with people.  People are searching for answers when it comes to this.  Well, I have bipolar disorder so I cannot speak to the loved ones that are walking this path with their bipolar counterpart.  But I can address all of us that are bipolar…

Don’t drink!!!

I come from a long line of alcoholics.  The bipolar part of my family drinks.  The co-dependent part of my family drinks.  Some of my family drank themselves to death.  Others drink so much that they are trying to cover up that they want to die or are trying to die through drinking. 

I have chosen not to drink.  I have chosen to use legal chemicals to alter how I interact.  I take Lamictal and Zyprexa right now, but at times I have taken several other prescription meds, just like my doctor said to.  Don’t kid yourself.  If you are taking prescription meds but not how they are prescribed to you then you are abusing drugs.

What part of “alcohol is a depressant” has you the most confused?  Alcohol will make you more depressed.  More angry.  More upset.  More suicidal.  More bipolar!!!  And who wants any of that?

My family is medicating with alcohol.  Alcohol is a piss poor medication for treating bipolar.  It just makes everything worse.

Well, the medicine is working.  We doubled my dose and I am feeling so much better.  I am sleeping soundly and I am feeling rested up.  I have slowed down which is a great sign.  The “bad thoughts” are completely gone.  The only real problem right now is feeling exhausted no matter how much I sleep.  Small price to pay for being able to stay at home and take care of my family and myself.  What a relief.